Stuff & Nonscents
First, we got the announcement from mass-meater Steak-umm (and, yes, it is real steak) inviting all of us to drop $49.99 on bedsheets that smell like beef. Funny. But right after that, it was Velveeta quite seriously going where no melting food substance has gone before, pushing cheese-perfumed nail polish, “Pinkies Out.”
Not that there was much doubt, but the latest wafts from adland really do put paid to any debate over accounting for taste. Breathing, eating, and now, sleeping carnivorously? Sweet and savory. After a handshake, both parties’ fingers redolent of highly pasteurized and chemically preserved cheddar? Pass it along.
For some reason, this last makes me a little sad for the good people on team Cheetos. After spending a fair amount of bank branding “cheetles” as the guilty tell-tale for whoever scarfed the bag, they missed the obvious olfactory boat.
And what about the condiment-meisters at Kraft Heinz? Are they miffed the frozen meat guys didn’t even bother to propose a cross-promotion featuring ketchup-, or better, A-1-scented pillowcases?
Well, if you ask The Reductionist, all this marketing agité can easily be avoided if we just lift nose from grindstone long enough to consider the bouquet of possibilities available to almost any interesting brand:
Like sriracha-infused nighties for Victoria’s Secret. Baby, you’ve never been this hot before.
Or Essence of Death Star Trash Compactor 3263827 (who knew it had a number) for Disney and the Star Wars franchise? Maybe followed by a splash of Eau de Tatooine. Desert planet, dry humor.
Hey, Boar’s Head, Peter Luger, Omaha Steaks, et. al., you want to go schnoz-to-schnoz with Steak-umm? Drench anything in the scent of bacon and watch their bedsheet sizzle, fizzle (H/T to Ernie Schenk for reminding me that there’s nada that wouldn’t gain appeal if it smelled like the big b).
Then maybe we think Charmin bathroom tissue, and maybe we don’t want to think about that. But while we’re “down the hall,” how about Starbucks-double-macchiato-scented Crest for folks who can’t get started without that a.m. whiff of caffeine?
Turning to groceries, what would P&G, Coke, or Tyson pay for shopping carts programmed to emit odor bursts at the right time in the right aisle? Thus, do we give new meaning to sniffing out bargains.
If you’re a Realtor®-with-a-capital-R you know all about the maple syrup simmering on the stove trick. What if we create a maple perfume for that last spritz-on-the-wrists before the open house?
And while we’re at it, how about a little dab for the ad agencies that are, themselves, making the fragrance marketing thing an actual thing? Maybe it’s a roll-on doohickey that lets you apply a client-seducing odor to the cover page of a new business leave behind.
In case you were wondering: it’d smell like money.