The worst advice for writers, 2023

Well, maybe not the worst for unerring arbiters like authors Eggers, Emma Specter, and Gibson; they can do whatever they damned well please. But for those of us who spend our more pedestrian days sweating profusely and pounding keys in the dust, insect, and bone-choked vineyard that is modern advertising, it really touched a nerve.  

1437 – “I love you forever.” Each word’s letter count is represented by a number.

By way of table-setting, it starts with an enduring fascination with the way evolving language provides such an intriguing window into the state of the human mind and soul. Okay, that’s a tad florid, but hell, you’re still reading. Maybe.

GRWM – “Get ready with me.” This is commonly used on live streams as the creator chats with their audience while getting ready.

Frankly, I would have bagged the squishy liberal arts degree for a concentration in linguistics if it didn’t require dreary amounts of statistical math along with a semi-mandatory adoration of grammar.

Vibe check – To assess the energy that someone gives out. “He passed the vibe check” means “he’s chill and easygoing”.

As it happens, the only time I can tolerate even the faintest whiff of formal grammar is when I trot out Strunk & White to prove to the umpteenth contrarian proofreader, account person, or client that sentence fragments. Are. Acceptable. If used. Sparingly. And for deliberate. Emphasis.

SIMP – A person who is desperate for someone else’s attention and affection (letter by letter translation NSFW).

True, the above isn’t a permissible use of fragments. But hell, it gives me a kvell of joy to flaunt the rules utterly and shamelessly.

Spilling the tea – When someone “spills the tea,” they are spreading gossip. When someone “sips the tea,” they are listening to gossip.

Except for the rule I’m about to mention, and here, just in case you were wondering, brings us to the aforementioned “worst” advice. It comes from two recently published compendiums of au currant TikTok slang written for marketers intent on hawking their wares on the platform. 

Bussin – Implying that something is tasty. It’s commonly used to describe food, but it can be used to describe anything. Example: “This chicken is bussin!”

To quote one of the offending prefaces: “If you want to fully comprehend and engage with the TikTok community completely, it’s important to become familiar with this language.” Translation: to speak to the people you need to co-opt their words.

Caught in 4k – To ‘catch someone in 4k’ means to capture their reaction or behavior to a situation on camera, in clear view.

Wrong! In fact, this is a violation of a rule as inviolable as the one about drawing on an inside straight in poker: never shalt thou ever inject a term into your advertising that was conceived, authored, and owned by any immediate “younger” generation.” Period.

Put you onto something –To inform someone on what they feel they need to know.

The reason is immutable truth. By the time a new word, usage, phrase, or even emoji wends its way from the videos and podcasts of proverbial babes to the slang listicles to the Urban Dictionary to your doubtlessly shell-like ears, the language, like the culture, has moved on. Using said construction is the surest way to guarantee a pronounced intergenerational eyeroll.

Sus – The shortened version of “suspicious”. Example: “That sounds sus.”

And, you know, with the benefit of a certain amount of time on track, I can’t say they’re wrong. There’s something phony and pretentious about pretending to have your finger of the pulse of a beat that changes with every new cohort that dances onto the scene.  

IB – “inspired by,” either giving credit where due or a cheap excuse for rip-off plagiarism.

Of course, there’s also that cynical voice muttering that being artificial is nothing new on TikTok with its irritating tease-tease-tease format, inevitably followed by more teasing before delivering a payoff that wasn’t worth the wait. All of which might be best characterized by a word that the TikTok generation, in a burst of spectacular irony, appropriated from Millennials, circa 2013:

Cheugy – Something that is off-trend or out of touch.

Just. Like. This. Post. See what I mean?